SO many things happen simutaneously at one time..
its so hard to digest everything..
31st Jan 2008
Went JB during midnight..
Some terrible things happened..
I almost gonna say “bye Bye” to everyone..
Its so scary..Everything happen so fast..
Perhaps if I were to stay closer, I wouldn’t be here today..
I shivered thruout, and having to tackle those stupid motorists who thinks tt e road belongs to them only..
But as I thought everything was so bad, at least something nice happened..
Its a new me..thinking tt things are back on track..
I believe everything & feels tt I shouldn’t go against my heart..
I thought everything was as simple..
The night ended beautifully..
Some terrible things happened..
I almost gonna say “bye Bye” to everyone..
Its so scary..Everything happen so fast..
Perhaps if I were to stay closer, I wouldn’t be here today..
I shivered thruout, and having to tackle those stupid motorists who thinks tt e road belongs to them only..
But as I thought everything was so bad, at least something nice happened..
Its a new me..thinking tt things are back on track..
I believe everything & feels tt I shouldn’t go against my heart..
I thought everything was as simple..
The night ended beautifully..
1st Feb 2008
Went to school for tutorial & Apac Lecture..w/o having to walk any distance..
Trip was convenient & relax..
The most hatred thing happened again..QUARRELS!
Its unavoidable for me to think tt way..
I couldn’t stop doubting..But I knew u took million efforts to reassure me..
Went shop shop ard..Thou its drizzling & I didn’t hv any umbrella..But I wasn’t drenched. =)
After the tired journey, headed straight home for rest..
Trip was convenient & relax..
The most hatred thing happened again..QUARRELS!
Its unavoidable for me to think tt way..
I couldn’t stop doubting..But I knew u took million efforts to reassure me..
Went shop shop ard..Thou its drizzling & I didn’t hv any umbrella..But I wasn’t drenched. =)
After the tired journey, headed straight home for rest..
2nd Feb 2008
Went lunch with mum & to the bank..
Found something amiss & was quite angry..
Once again, tt feeling intrude me..
Feeling Doubting, Confused, Disappointed, Mix Feelings, Anger, Lost, Unsecure!!!
Oh my..at the same time, daddy BOMB me with so many questions..
Some which I am unable to answer & so scare of the path ahead..
I knew I have to face it sooner or later.. I told him tt I know what Im doing.. He said he won’t interfere, as long as I know how to think..
I am just scared tt things might not turn out to be what I want..
Was super angry again..Doubtful again..
Sigh..This kind of feeling isn’t great..
I have to deal with this alone..ALONE n ALONE!
After much waiting & not able to eat, I fell aslp..
I refused to answer any of the calls or reply any of the messages..
I felt so wad..But lastly, I gave in..
I opened the door and explanation started flowing in..
Once again, I believe again..
Went to eat..since I haven’t eat anything..
As usual, slept after tt..(This explains the fats I have!)
Found something amiss & was quite angry..
Once again, tt feeling intrude me..
Feeling Doubting, Confused, Disappointed, Mix Feelings, Anger, Lost, Unsecure!!!
Oh my..at the same time, daddy BOMB me with so many questions..
Some which I am unable to answer & so scare of the path ahead..
I knew I have to face it sooner or later.. I told him tt I know what Im doing.. He said he won’t interfere, as long as I know how to think..
I am just scared tt things might not turn out to be what I want..
Was super angry again..Doubtful again..
Sigh..This kind of feeling isn’t great..
I have to deal with this alone..ALONE n ALONE!
After much waiting & not able to eat, I fell aslp..
I refused to answer any of the calls or reply any of the messages..
I felt so wad..But lastly, I gave in..
I opened the door and explanation started flowing in..
Once again, I believe again..
Went to eat..since I haven’t eat anything..
As usual, slept after tt..(This explains the fats I have!)
3rd Feb 2008
Its a new day again..Woke up happily but with fear within me..
Dared not go out of my room cos of my daddy..
Faked here n there, trying to ask him have he eaten and hoping he wun BOMB me with questions again..
PHEW! Everything went smoothly..I didn’t initiate the talk with him..but he asked me with my computer stuffs..
Went to have Katong Laksa..Trip wasn’t smooth again!
But its ok..Still managed to escape..
Back home, have nap again..SIGH! its so guilty to slp after i eat..
Went JB again to have dinner..Lok Lok!
Its nice but quite exp..
Back home after eating n slp again!!!
Dared not go out of my room cos of my daddy..
Faked here n there, trying to ask him have he eaten and hoping he wun BOMB me with questions again..
PHEW! Everything went smoothly..I didn’t initiate the talk with him..but he asked me with my computer stuffs..
Went to have Katong Laksa..Trip wasn’t smooth again!
But its ok..Still managed to escape..
Back home, have nap again..SIGH! its so guilty to slp after i eat..
Went JB again to have dinner..Lok Lok!
Its nice but quite exp..
Back home after eating n slp again!!!
4th Feb 2008
THIS WAS THE MOST TERRIBLE DAY I EVER MET IN 2008!!!
I met him..I found out many things!
I cried..dunno y..My emotions took control of me..
I felt so useless..so lost..so stupid..so naive..so negative of me!!!
I wanted to remain calm and juz walk off..
The emotions of him is even worst..I can’t leave him alone..
His friend said this time he needs someone to talk him out..
The person isn’t me..I cant do tt..Cos Whatever tt comes out from my mouth are BLAMES!
I dun wan to do so..But I juz couldn’t control myself..
I wanted to leave but he doesn’t allow..
I got no choice but to consult his friend to help me..
At tt point of time, it was terrible..All i want is to leave n leave n leave..
He held on to me so tight tt it hurts.. I didn’t expect this would turn out to be so bad..
I slapped him twice n it shook him awake..
I didn’t know how come I become like tt..I was too rush..I am very sorry..
We didn’t ended up solving anything..His friend came to our rescue..
Went home changed, met his friend at Yishun..
Cried terribly like no one business in the car again..
I was feeling damn cold n I kept shivering..I got no idea WHY WHY WHY!!!
My eyes were super swollen..as if just being beaten up..
Called Yuting..Cried uncontrollably..SHe wanted to meet me..I thank her for tt..but I have to settle the thing..
Have some talk at Selatar Dam with his friend and him and 3 of us..
Some of his friend’s words made me think thruout..I appreciate him for being there to give me advice..I was happy to hear tt they alr treated me as impt as part of their group..I blamed myself for not exposing the r/s to them last time..Im real sorry..
I need someone to stand in another view to see this problem..Cos I know I couldn’t make any sensible decision..all I wanted is to end everything! Just END everything n thats it! I want to move on..but i dunno if i could..if only he’s not back..I have alr moved on slowly..y muz he be back at this time? even before he settled his stuffs..
His explanation came out to be many funny reasons..I wanted to cry my heart out again but I dunno y this time I didn’t..I can’t cry..
I WAS STRONG!
At e end of everything, I knew the reason..Be it real or not..Its still a mystery..Its still the phobia within me..its my character..
He begged n asked for a 2nd chance..And i ask him to ask himself..Does he DESERVE it?
He said perhaps not 100% but if only 0.5% he would cherish it..Juz 2 weeks he can prove everything to me n tt he can remove e fear n tt he is able to settle things which I dun wish to see..
I chose not to continue..The chat started again among 3 of us..I wonder y they dun understand me..?
I understand what he wans..but could it be juz a moment of wanting the r/s back so he will do anything..but after he got e r/s, things might be e same again..its HUMAN NATURE i guess..tts wat im so afraid of..
I dunno..
Again, we ended up solving nth..
He sent me home..SILENCE in the car..We nv talk..I guess he dare not stress on me again..
I knocked out in his car..He dared not wake me up..But after a while, I woke up, feelin so weak with empty stomach,swollen eyes n empty thoughts..I didn’t hv any meals tt day except for some spoons of prawn mee..Experiencing gastric pain, I couldn’t stand up properly..I sat there quiet, hugging the soft toy tight to ease the pain in my stomach..I was feeling so giddy..Again, emotions took controlled of me..I know im a crybaby..but i felt so hurt n affected this time..I felt scare n lost..cos i know I am going to handle this alone..I don’t hv anyone to turn to..I can’t tell my dad, my cousin or even anyone..I chose to remain silent..He cried too..trying to explain everything n reassuring me everything..This time, its hard..I wanted to go home..but I am so scare of being alone..furthermore, its so late..my friend would hv slept..thus I chose to close my eyes n rest..
The alarm strike n I was back home..I was so tired tt I dun wan to talk anymore..despite him reaching home n msg me immediately..I juz want to close my eyes n escape from everything..
I met him..I found out many things!
I cried..dunno y..My emotions took control of me..
I felt so useless..so lost..so stupid..so naive..so negative of me!!!
I wanted to remain calm and juz walk off..
The emotions of him is even worst..I can’t leave him alone..
His friend said this time he needs someone to talk him out..
The person isn’t me..I cant do tt..Cos Whatever tt comes out from my mouth are BLAMES!
I dun wan to do so..But I juz couldn’t control myself..
I wanted to leave but he doesn’t allow..
I got no choice but to consult his friend to help me..
At tt point of time, it was terrible..All i want is to leave n leave n leave..
He held on to me so tight tt it hurts.. I didn’t expect this would turn out to be so bad..
I slapped him twice n it shook him awake..
I didn’t know how come I become like tt..I was too rush..I am very sorry..
We didn’t ended up solving anything..His friend came to our rescue..
Went home changed, met his friend at Yishun..
Cried terribly like no one business in the car again..
I was feeling damn cold n I kept shivering..I got no idea WHY WHY WHY!!!
My eyes were super swollen..as if just being beaten up..
Called Yuting..Cried uncontrollably..SHe wanted to meet me..I thank her for tt..but I have to settle the thing..
Have some talk at Selatar Dam with his friend and him and 3 of us..
Some of his friend’s words made me think thruout..I appreciate him for being there to give me advice..I was happy to hear tt they alr treated me as impt as part of their group..I blamed myself for not exposing the r/s to them last time..Im real sorry..
I need someone to stand in another view to see this problem..Cos I know I couldn’t make any sensible decision..all I wanted is to end everything! Just END everything n thats it! I want to move on..but i dunno if i could..if only he’s not back..I have alr moved on slowly..y muz he be back at this time? even before he settled his stuffs..
His explanation came out to be many funny reasons..I wanted to cry my heart out again but I dunno y this time I didn’t..I can’t cry..
I WAS STRONG!
At e end of everything, I knew the reason..Be it real or not..Its still a mystery..Its still the phobia within me..its my character..
He begged n asked for a 2nd chance..And i ask him to ask himself..Does he DESERVE it?
He said perhaps not 100% but if only 0.5% he would cherish it..Juz 2 weeks he can prove everything to me n tt he can remove e fear n tt he is able to settle things which I dun wish to see..
I chose not to continue..The chat started again among 3 of us..I wonder y they dun understand me..?
I understand what he wans..but could it be juz a moment of wanting the r/s back so he will do anything..but after he got e r/s, things might be e same again..its HUMAN NATURE i guess..tts wat im so afraid of..
I dunno..
Again, we ended up solving nth..
He sent me home..SILENCE in the car..We nv talk..I guess he dare not stress on me again..
I knocked out in his car..He dared not wake me up..But after a while, I woke up, feelin so weak with empty stomach,swollen eyes n empty thoughts..I didn’t hv any meals tt day except for some spoons of prawn mee..Experiencing gastric pain, I couldn’t stand up properly..I sat there quiet, hugging the soft toy tight to ease the pain in my stomach..I was feeling so giddy..Again, emotions took controlled of me..I know im a crybaby..but i felt so hurt n affected this time..I felt scare n lost..cos i know I am going to handle this alone..I don’t hv anyone to turn to..I can’t tell my dad, my cousin or even anyone..I chose to remain silent..He cried too..trying to explain everything n reassuring me everything..This time, its hard..I wanted to go home..but I am so scare of being alone..furthermore, its so late..my friend would hv slept..thus I chose to close my eyes n rest..
The alarm strike n I was back home..I was so tired tt I dun wan to talk anymore..despite him reaching home n msg me immediately..I juz want to close my eyes n escape from everything..
5th Feb 2008
The sleep wasn’t good..I woke up late for my 9am lesson..I went to sch feeling so lost n weak..I pretend tt nth happened in front of my friends..But they were clever..
They saw e super bad looking eyes of mine..and dared not ask me anything till the end of the day..They cared for me..I appreciate it..Thanks!
The day in sch was super long, with one seminar to attend & 3 projects meetings!
During the seminar, my eyes were so painful n I felt so sleepy..
During the presentation, I catch some seconds of rest but its worst! It made me feel more sleepy..But my friend too..Both of us turned n looked at each other n back to the screen aimlessly..
Throughout the day, he msged me..same topic again..the reassurance..the chance tt he ask for..the sorry n apologies for everything..the explanation tt he tries to save this r/s..the promises tt he will change..the better life tt he wanna give me..the make-up tt he wanna do to make me remove the fear n forget everything..the new start tt he suggested..the future plans tt he assure me..the hopes tt he really wants me back so badly..EVERYTHING tt he hopes to salvage this r/s..BUT..I was still insistent..I still feel lost scare..
I got no appetite to eat..ever thou previous night I got an empty stomach..
After the long day..I went home..Throughout the journey was terrible..
Thoughts run wild..I kept thinking..Yes im a thinker..ITS UNAVOIDABLE..
I fell aslp on the bus..I refused to reply him at times..Probably cos I dunno what to reply..But he never give up..He continues to msg me despite me ignoring him..
Back home..It was terrible again when I saw those pics..
My dad BOMB me again..
New Year is coming n I’ll be going overseas tomorrow..
But yet Im not feeling happy or excited..OH MY..its unlike the usual me..
I have yet pack my bag too..I juz dun feel like doing anything..Till now..I have yet eaten anything..He has been msging me till now oso..I wonder hv he eaten..Its not tt I want to make him suffer..I knew he’s been doing his part to want me back so badly..He cried for me..He sacrificed for me..He priortized me..He loved me w/o any obligations, as long as I agree to give him a chance..BUT its the fear n phobia within me u noe? If i cant accept the past, do u think we will last or I can move on with you? I need time..really need time..but I ain’t sure time will allow me to accept u back not..thats y i dun dare to promise anything..no one understands how im feeling now..it may be contadicting..i dunno..I felt so soft-hearted at times but i know i can’t be affected by this..
SIGH…things happened together too fast..the transition is way too fast tt its hard for me to digest anything..I still have the mentality as usual..
They saw e super bad looking eyes of mine..and dared not ask me anything till the end of the day..They cared for me..I appreciate it..Thanks!
The day in sch was super long, with one seminar to attend & 3 projects meetings!
During the seminar, my eyes were so painful n I felt so sleepy..
During the presentation, I catch some seconds of rest but its worst! It made me feel more sleepy..But my friend too..Both of us turned n looked at each other n back to the screen aimlessly..
Throughout the day, he msged me..same topic again..the reassurance..the chance tt he ask for..the sorry n apologies for everything..the explanation tt he tries to save this r/s..the promises tt he will change..the better life tt he wanna give me..the make-up tt he wanna do to make me remove the fear n forget everything..the new start tt he suggested..the future plans tt he assure me..the hopes tt he really wants me back so badly..EVERYTHING tt he hopes to salvage this r/s..BUT..I was still insistent..I still feel lost scare..
I got no appetite to eat..ever thou previous night I got an empty stomach..
After the long day..I went home..Throughout the journey was terrible..
Thoughts run wild..I kept thinking..Yes im a thinker..ITS UNAVOIDABLE..
I fell aslp on the bus..I refused to reply him at times..Probably cos I dunno what to reply..But he never give up..He continues to msg me despite me ignoring him..
Back home..It was terrible again when I saw those pics..
My dad BOMB me again..
New Year is coming n I’ll be going overseas tomorrow..
But yet Im not feeling happy or excited..OH MY..its unlike the usual me..
I have yet pack my bag too..I juz dun feel like doing anything..Till now..I have yet eaten anything..He has been msging me till now oso..I wonder hv he eaten..Its not tt I want to make him suffer..I knew he’s been doing his part to want me back so badly..He cried for me..He sacrificed for me..He priortized me..He loved me w/o any obligations, as long as I agree to give him a chance..BUT its the fear n phobia within me u noe? If i cant accept the past, do u think we will last or I can move on with you? I need time..really need time..but I ain’t sure time will allow me to accept u back not..thats y i dun dare to promise anything..no one understands how im feeling now..it may be contadicting..i dunno..I felt so soft-hearted at times but i know i can’t be affected by this..
SIGH…things happened together too fast..the transition is way too fast tt its hard for me to digest anything..I still have the mentality as usual..
AS SIMPLE : I AM NAIVE & I BELIEVE PEOPLE TOO EASILY..
