I juz posted in my FB how wonderful my last weekend was few days ago..
And now I landed myself up to be in this horrbile+terrible weekend..
We had a talk yesterday night..
It was a calm yet sorrowful chat..
I almost fainted when I heard something which I dislike..
The most scariest part that I am afraid is of reality now..
Free flow of tears, unexpressed feelings and an unstable heart was how I am yesterday..
I was a little unstable while listening quietly..
I controlled myself..But deep inside me was so painful..
Not having any bites since afternoon, my gastric started to ache again..
I kept quiet and remain as strong on the surface..
But I knew I might faint at anytime..
A sudden piercing pain in my head..ended me crying again..
He sent me home and I remained as if I am already dead, with no strength..
All my hands and legs were so numb..I can’t even walk properly..
I stayed calm in front of him..But the moment I reached home, I started to break down again..
Being alone in my room, I started to think and contemplate..
It was never an easy task..
I wanted to go for hypnotherapy sessions..I think I seriously need some advice..
Finally I fell aslp at 2+am, trying very hard not to revive any memories..
Not replying to any messages, I woke up with 3 new messages..
Being as early as 7+ am, my heart sank again as I read those messages..
I forced myself to slp back but it was unsuccessful..
After tossing ard till 9+, I gave up..
I sat up on my bed, and cried again..
I can never control myself in this..I dunno why..
He messaged me again ard 10+..
I flipped through the pics, listening to the 1st song that we liked,
And I cant believe we ended up in this stage..
He has been sms’ing me even till now, asking for a chance to repent..
I wanted to give u one so much..But I foresee more problems..
I cant bring myself to the fact and reality, how am I going to live with that..
Do I deserve all this? I wanted to ask my dear lord..
Lord, I prayed to you every night..
Hoping that you can answer my prayers and blessed me in my prayers..
Nonetheless, my beloved grandfather left me..It was a terrible torment for me..
Be it a blessing to him, as he had suffered from pain for years..
But he is recovering or had indeed recovered..And he just left all his loved ones..
W/o a single word..and the promise that he made to go holiday me can never never be fulfilled again..
Again, I prayed for my r/s..Allowing me more strength to forget the past incident when we hv our cooling period..
I prayed for a more truthful him, a better him..And I really did what I promised you..
To cherish and love him if we have a chance to get back together..
But why am I left with such a devastated decision to make now?
It seems like I don’t get what I put in in return..
Lord, I knew U have helped and blessed me in many ways..
Thou I might not realise, it could be a blessing in disguise..
You bless my studies, very much that I achieved my aim and made my parents so proud of me..
You bless my grandma, with better strength now..
You bless my daddy with his health, getting better now..
You bless my mummy with success in everything..
You bless my brother with a good handling of his case..
You bless me with good friends and even colleagues..
You bless me with a gd family and people ard me..
Perhaps, you also blessed my grandpa, w/o having to suffer anymore..
You are great..I really appreciate it..
But how about this? My r/s kept failing since my past one..
After being tgt for years, then we realized it can’t work out..
Why? Why am I having such treatment from them?
Why can’t I have someone who will love and cherish me in return?
After my past r/s, I thought you have sent me someone better..
Someone who can love and cherish me..
But it doesn’t seem to be the case..
I knew this r/s has its happiness..
I thank you for the happy and memorable moments..
But the sad and disappointed moments could be a torture for me now..
I hope im not asking too much..
Now I juz need the ultimate answer to this decision..
I knew I myself can’t make gd decision and I am indecisive..
But no matter what, I need some directions..
I don’t know what I want now..
Thus dear lord, I need you to guide me in an answer..
Please help me in this..