Stagnant now..

I was reading one of my colleague’s blog today…
Gone were my days too..
Gone were all my carefree life..My happy life..My days with all smiles and no worries..

I am yet stucked here..doing routine stuffs almost everyday..
Handling nonsense by people who doesn’t seems to be automatic..
Is it true that a person with money and status can live up to what they wan?

Please! I also got money..I am just working for the sake of using my cert..
I juz hate it…

One day..I wish..I can improve myself and voice out everything..

I am terribly sick now..Having food poisoning, cough, sore throat and fever..
But..That doesn’t excuse me from all my work..
I still have to clear my emails and do all necessary tasks..
Its my job..I know..Its only few months I started..Yes I know too…
What I really need now???

It would be :

I NEED A BREAK+HOLIDAY AGAIN!!!

Horrible weekend..

I juz posted in my FB how wonderful my last weekend was few days ago..
And now I landed myself up to be in this horrbile+terrible weekend..

We had a talk yesterday night..
It was a calm yet sorrowful chat..
I almost fainted when I heard something which I dislike..
The most scariest part that I am afraid is of reality now..
Free flow of tears, unexpressed feelings and an unstable heart was how I am yesterday..

I was a little unstable while listening quietly..
I controlled myself..But deep inside me was so painful..
Not having any bites since afternoon, my gastric started to ache again..
I kept quiet and remain as strong on the surface..
But I knew I might faint at anytime..
A sudden piercing pain in my head..ended me crying again..
He sent me home and I remained as if I am already dead, with no strength..
All my hands and legs were so numb..I can’t even walk properly..

I stayed calm in front of him..But the moment I reached home, I started to break down again..
Being alone in my room, I started to think and contemplate..
It was never an easy task..
I wanted to go for hypnotherapy sessions..I think I seriously need some advice..

Finally I fell aslp at 2+am, trying very hard not to revive any memories..
Not replying to any messages, I woke up with 3 new messages..
Being as early as 7+ am, my heart sank again as I read those messages..
I forced myself to slp back but it was unsuccessful..

After tossing ard till 9+, I gave up..
I sat up on my bed, and cried again..
I can never control myself in this..I dunno why..
He messaged me again ard 10+..
I flipped through the pics, listening to the 1st song that we liked,
And I cant believe we ended up in this stage..

He has been sms’ing me even till now, asking for a chance to repent..
I wanted to give u one so much..But I foresee more problems..
I cant bring myself to the fact and reality, how am I going to live with that..

Do I deserve all this? I wanted to ask my dear lord..
Lord, I prayed to you every night..
Hoping that you can answer my prayers and blessed me in my prayers..
Nonetheless, my beloved grandfather left me..It was a terrible torment for me..
Be it a blessing to him, as he had suffered from pain for years..
But he is recovering or had indeed recovered..And he just left all his loved ones..
W/o a single word..and the promise that he made to go holiday me can never never be fulfilled again..
Again, I prayed for my r/s..Allowing me more strength to forget the past incident when we hv our cooling period..
I prayed for a more truthful him, a better him..And I really did what I promised you..
To cherish and love him if we have a chance to get back together..
But why am I left with such a devastated decision to make now?
It seems like I don’t get what I put in in return..
Lord, I knew U have helped and blessed me in many ways..
Thou I might not realise, it could be a blessing in disguise..
You bless my studies, very much that I achieved my aim and made my parents so proud of me..
You bless my grandma, with better strength now..
You bless my daddy with his health, getting better now..
You bless my mummy with success in everything..
You bless my brother with a good handling of his case..
You bless me with good friends and even colleagues..
You bless me with a gd family and people ard me..
Perhaps, you also blessed my grandpa, w/o having to suffer anymore..
You are great..I really appreciate it..
But how about this? My r/s kept failing since my past one..
After being tgt for years, then we realized it can’t work out..
Why? Why am I having such treatment from them?
Why can’t I have someone who will love and cherish me in return?
After my past r/s, I thought you have sent me someone better..
Someone who can love and cherish me..
But it doesn’t seem to be the case..
I knew this r/s has its happiness..
I thank you for the happy and memorable moments..
But the sad and disappointed moments could be a torture for me now..

I hope im not asking too much..
Now I juz need the ultimate answer to this decision..
I knew I myself can’t make gd decision and I am indecisive..
But no matter what, I need some directions..
I don’t know what I want now..
Thus dear lord, I need you to guide me in an answer..
Please help me in this..

Refresh Refresh Refresh~

Hi all!!!
Its been such a long time since I last blog..
Anyway How’s everyone? I hope you guys wun get shocked when you saw my this entry..
Haha..Dun need to keep refreshing ya..
Its indeed me!!!

I knew it has been a long time since I blog..
Almost forgot the fact that I do have an existing blog..Haha..
Till I chatted with my colleague then I felt, hmm I should update my entries,else this blog will get rotten!

Well..work has been considered ‘alright’ so far..
Been very very busy gradually as days past…
Workload more n more..*Sigh*
Learnt quite alot in this job..perhaps it was my 1st one..
Thus still getting the hang of it…
Meetings Meetings Meetings almost everyday. =(
Sometimes I felt why am I doing so much?
Well……………… *shake head*

Other than work, family is good..
Very supportive..especially my daddy who kept asking how’s my work..
I simply love him,my daddy for all his advice and support, my mummy too for her nice home cooked food and tonic soup and beverage for my late nights and also my brother who came to fetch me at times..
I LOVE THEM ALL!!! =)

What’s stressing me is r/s now..
Hadn’t been good this few days..Sigh..
I do not know what to say or how to say..
Just felt very lost and everything’s hanging..
Am I asking too much?
Am I being unfair?
Am I being too selfish?
These are the questions I kept asking myself..
He told me NO but yet he did things to anger me, to hurt me..
I dislike and hate this kind of feeling..
Same things kept happening..despite the reminders and promises he gave..
Its always the words but not the actions..
I broke down yesterday after so long..Guess its the limit..
I was so devastated when I communicate with him thru sms..
He said that I did not give him attention and concern, and that I always talk to my friends and colleagues abt work but not him, so he is trying to catch my attention and wants me to care for me..
OH MY! I did put in effort to care for him and wanna talk to him but did he give me the full chance?
Everytime when we are on the phone, he seems to be doing his stuffs, drifting away..
So you think I nv try?
I knew you are trying very hard on the other end too..
I knew it and appreciate it..
You are trying very hard to salvage everything..to ease the tension and make things better..
Everything is fine except that aspect I mentioned..
Thou guys might think its normal or common, but for my character I just feel that its a NO NO.

Sigh I just dunno how to say or handle this anymore..
I tried all means to communicate with you..
You once told me perhaps we hv communication breakdown, i think so too..
But i tried writing letters, emails, sms, face-to-face talk, phone calls but still like that..

GOD, I seek your power and might and guidance to light my way out..
Guide me through this darkest moments of my life..
I knew im always handling r/s problems wrongly..
That’s why I seriously need you to answer my prayers every night..

1st Day~

Whoo hoo…
Tmr will be my 1st day of work..
In my entire life, my 1st FULL TIME job!

Hmm..as a corporate communication executive, I hope to strive for the best!

Wish me all e best too! =) Hugs!

Protected: More truth

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Handicapped

No mood, no time no thoughts lately.

Pls bear wid me for a while.

Will hope to be back soon.

I promised.

Precious moments..

Happy Happy Valentine’s Day to all..
I know im kinda late by a day..
Cos i wasn’t at home ytd!

Well..I enjoyed a lot ytd..
And also appreciate the efforts and surprises he made..
TOTALLY unexpectable but it was enjoyable!
More pics and Updates coming soon…

Thanks! Love ya!

At this point of time, how i wish time could just stop there..
Or perhaps moments would be like this forever..

I don’t even have a choice!

I felt so pathetic.
I can’t even be influencer.
Im very disappointed in myself.

This nightmare which I feared had came back again.
My previous r/s was a total mess coz my ex always wanted to club.
And worst still its always a last minute decision.
And i cant make him not to go.
Its so hard.

I tot after every rain the sun will shine again.
But i should know tt it will rain again.
I felt so disappointed in myself tt i don’t even have a choice but to let him go.

Happy New Year to all~

Happy Happy New Year to all..
May all be blessed with lots of fortune, love, joy and MONEY!!!!!

Updates coming up soon!

I never realised…

That im such a lousy girl..
Not being able to handle so many things..
Just a failure even thou i learnt from my mistakes and tried to do for the better..
I still FAILED to be a gd gf..

Maybe it started off wid  me and i should also end off wid myself..
After all, its years of happiness and sorrows, yet i can’t get to enjoy much of the 1st one.